I want to pick up where we left off in the first part of our last conversation. Our parents play a big role in our lives from the moment we take our first breath. Their job is to provide, nurture, and love us. What happens when they miss the mark? Most importantly, what would make them miss the mark? Parents tend to give what they have received, if they were loved and nurtured they know how to love and nurture; but when their parents fail … more than likely they fail in one way or another.
My dad’s dad left the family when he was just 5 years old. What did my dad learn about fathering? Fathers leave. He should have learned how to be a father from his father. So then you have to look at my Grandfather, what did his father do? His father also left his family. It is what is referred to as “generational curse.” Just as healthy, loving family relations are passed onto the next generation, so is dysfunctional relations passed to the next generation.
So what does this have to do with the title of this blog? Guilty but not to be blamed. I will use my dad as the example. My dad is guilty of being an absentee father, but that is what he was taught. Basically, I think my dad just plain did not know how to be dad and it scared him. I understand that at a certain age we all know the difference between right and wrong. That doesn’t necessarily mean we know how to fix it. So my dad is guilty, but I do not blame him.
I have made many mistakes in my life trying to fill the void left by my father. This does not mean my mistakes are his fault. The mistakes my dad made, although his father was guilty of leaving also, cannot be blamed on his father. You may be asking right now, “so who is to blame?” And my question would be, “Is that what is most important…who is to blame?” Shouldn’t the most important question be… How can we all get healed and whole and move past the hurt?” The hurt is not helping anyone. The hurt is just going on and on. “Hurting people hurt people.”
You see, we each have the free will to make choices. Choices have consequences. The consequences can be good or they can be bad based on the choices we made. At some point in our life, and hopefully sooner rather than later, we have to own up to the choices we have made and take responsibility for them. Yes, even those who have hurt us are responsible for their choices, and they will have to live with the consequences. But doesn’t that contradict the…they are not to be blamed-yes and no.
Proverbs 14:12 There is a way that seems right to a man, but its end is the way to death.
Let’s break that down. Proverbs 14:12 means …Putting what we think is the best way over what God tells us is the way to go in any given situation. It’s very easy to say, “I am justified to feel this way and act this way because of how I was treated.” “The reason I have all these problems is because of what they did (parents, family, friends).” The reality is this…you and I make choices everyday and with those choices you either choose life or death to the circumstances in your life. We are each responsible for our own choices. By choosing to walk in forgiveness you are choosing life, which by the way is what God requires of us. We are to forgive others who trespass against us. If you continue to walk in anger, hurt, and unforgiveness you are choosing death in that circumstance, death to that relationship, death to a healthy and free heart.
But that’s not fair! We are not talking about fair, we are discussing how do we have a healthy heart to make healthy decisions so we can have healthy relationships. Imagine for a moment letting go of the hurt, the anger, the excuses, the unforgiving attitude of the heart. People have it in their head that if they forgive it means letting the person go free that hurt them. Truth…forgiveness frees you! Here is a little nugget…when you carry unforgiveness in your heart it is poison to you…it can literally cause your body to be sick.
When the heart is sick, the entire body is sick.
God wants us healthy and free to be all He created us to be, but we have to make the choice and you do not have to go it alone. All you have to do is take the first step and He will meet you right there …actually as you begin to lift your foot to walk into your freedom He is there and will not leave you as you walk towards Him and your healing. Let’s take that first step today.
In His Service,
Dr. Pam